The Truth About My OCD Diagnosis

To lose self-trust 

is to lose 

all trust 

The ground beneath you 

is gone

I’ve teetered back and forth about writing this blog post. I’ve noticed it has become the norm to overshare, even the most fragile pieces of ourselves; I see it all of the time and have even done it myself. Everyone is looking to be seen, but I’ve come to learn that there’s a difference between showing up authentically and spilling your guts all over the table for everyone to witness. 

Looking back to when I did this, I wish I left some parts for just me and my inner circle. This is why I’ve thought long and hard about sharing this one with you. I have found a sense of protectiveness over myself and a moral standard to share for the right reasons. 

But here’s the thing, I have done so much work around my mental health and included the full story in my first book that I don’t have an issue talking about it here. I no longer consider my OCD journey as a fragile piece of me, but more so an old raised scar that will always be there, no longer open and vulnerable. 

In 2018 I was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder. I had always struggled (“suffered” is probably the more appropriate word) with anxiety and intrusive thoughts. In my mid-twenties I hit rock bottom and sought out help. 

Since that diagnosis, I have invested a lot of time and energy into my wellbeing. Part of my medicine (a concoction of both professional and non-professional support) has been a commitment to daily practices, which is how A Single Droplet: Finding Freedom Through Daily Practice came to be.

After years of instilling these practices, letting the people in my life in and seeking out professional help, my therapist informed me that I actually no longer meet the criteria for OCD. That’s not to say I don’t experience symptoms of OCD, but the severity of these symptoms don’t qualify me for the diagnosis anymore. I didn’t even know that could be a possibility at the time; I kind of thought, once you had it you just had it! Well, in a sense this is true, keep reading… 

This was a really cool moment in my mental health journey, but the truth is that I will likely always be managing my anxiety. I relate it to someone in recovery; once an addict, always an addict (I say this without judgement). It’s just how our brains are wired. But, we have the ability to heal to a certain extent, to be so committed and intentional, that we are no longer out of control; we can finally live the way we wish to live (sigh of relief). So, unless I have some sort of horrible accident that leaves me severely impaired, or, more preferably, I have some sort of enlightened breakthrough and fly high permanently until I die, I will probably always experience some sort of anxiety. 

In other words, OCD will always be a component in my life whether I actively qualify for the diagnosis or am actively managing it in “remission” status. 

Some weeks are steady, grounded, connected, and joyful. Other weeks are deeply isolating, tormenting, confusing, and painful. At this point in my life, I know how to walk through the bad weeks. 

Zooming out and getting a little spiritual on you, I see even pain as a beautiful part of life. Would the good feel so good if we didn’t have its opposite? I’m okay with the card I have been dealt. I believe we all get our own forms of adversity to work through in our lifetime, and these can be seen as windows into our deeper selves, and with life at large. I have a funny kind of respect for these twisted wirings in my brain and own them as part of my life. 

If you want to read in detail about my breaking point, the day I was diagnosed with OCD or learn the daily practices that helped me gain control again, grab a copy of my book, A Single Droplet (available in print and audiobook). If you know someone who struggles with anxiety or OCD, consider sharing this post or, even better, my book with them. Maybe it’ll help them feel less isolated than I did; that is my hope. 

P.S. Since I’m not active on social media, I rely on the growth of this community to spread in a very organic fashion. If you have not already joined my email community, I invite you to sign up below. By joining, you will be the first to hear about new books, meditations and blog posts. I’ll also share the occasional aha moment that I’m facing. Additionally, I ask that you send this blog post to someone in your life who you think would enjoy it too. I’m glad you’re here and thank you for your support.